


This I Choose to Do

by irisadler



Series: Sensorium [14]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Past Abuse, Past Magnus Bane/Camille Belcourt, Reference to Past Traumatic Events
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2019-08-10 21:24:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16462607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irisadler/pseuds/irisadler
Summary: Magnus' past gives him a unique perspective as he watches Alec's actions. Set during 1x12.





	This I Choose to Do

**Author's Note:**

> “This I choose to do. If there is a price, this I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die. Where this takes me, there I choose to go. I choose. This I choose to do.”  
> \- Terry Pratchett, Wintersmith
> 
> The penultimate installment of my ficlet battle with the magnificent [la_muerta](http://la-muerta.tumblr.com/)! (Also, do yourself a favour and check out their spoooooky & amazing [Red Door on the Right](https://archiveofourown.org/works/16149902/chapters/37734770)!) And much love to the fantastic [Taupefox59](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Taupefox59/pseuds/Taupefox59) for giving me feedback on this!
> 
> My prompt was agency (the capacity of individuals to act independently and make their own choices) with the optional challenge of Magnus PoV.

Over the years, there have been many times when Magnus has had to fight. He’s waged costly wars, survived countless battles, and stood up for those who couldn’t protect themselves. But among the many memories of his past, the blood and sweat and tears he has shed, some stand out, vivid even to this day.

The sheer terror when he’d understood what his stepfather intended, his young mind struggling to grasp another person could want to hurt him so badly, so _permanently._ The fear had been so intense, so overwhelming, his magic blazing up inside of him to terrible effect. Though he still regrets his stepfather’s fate, he can’t blame his child self any longer. No matter how it feels some days. 

The horror he’d felt when he’d finally seen who and what his father truly was: a demon and prince of hell, not just by birth or virtue of blood. By _choice._ And not just one choice, but a series of them, each worse than the next. Not misguided or well-intentioned, like Magnus had convinced himself so many times before, but power-mad and cruel and possessive. It was that understanding that’d driven Magnus to banish Asmodeus. It had taken careful preparation and research. He’d checked the spell once, twice, a hundred times before he began and still his hands had shaken as he cast it. But in the end, he’d done it, done what he _had_ to do.

The slow-dawning realisation that Camille would never change, would never want him for who he was but only as a useful tool forever at her beck and call. That Camille would never be faithful, would never _love_ him the way he loved her. It had been so fucking hard to accept, even when he’d caught her with a lover. Because when he looked at her, he saw all that he loved about her, all the hopes he’d wrapped up in her. Their shared past. All the endless future they _could_ have. Together. Forever. And yet, eventually, he’d had to accept that the Camille he saw and the Camille who _was_ … were not even _close_ to the same person. And he’d had to leave, part ways with her. And though, after all they’d been through, it’d torn him in two to do it, he had.

These are the moments that stick with him. For to fight those he loved for his independence, his freedom, for what he believed was right, for _himself_ … these are, without question, the hardest-won, most bittersweet victories of his life.

So,  
When Alec turns away from Lydia;  
When Alec says, “Enough,” silencing his mother’s protestations;  
When Alec’s eyes never waver from his own;  
When Alec walks towards him, determined and unhesitating;  
When Alec’s hands grip his lapels;  
When Alec’s lips meet his at last...  
Magnus understands.

He _knows_ the price Alec is paying,  
The choices he is making,  
Perhaps better than anyone else ever could. 

And it’s too soon,  
Much too soon,  
But Magnus loves him for it.


End file.
